These days, it's easy to find testimony about going against the flow when it comes to parenting. All around the internet, moms are only too happy to share their stories of doing things the natural way. They breastfeed exclusively, skip pureed baby food in favor of soft whole foods, wear their babes instead of using the carseat as a carrier, cloth diaper, skip vaccinations, and only use the most natural baby toiletries. Their tales differ in detail, but share the same overlying theme: we did our research, found out "they" were wrong, started doing things the right way, and our life is so much better now. The disdain for those who simply do as they're told is obvious. Especially, of course, because once you know, you have to change your ways.
I'm not sure if I unknowingly sought out reading material in this vein while I was pregnant, or if this is just the prevailing theme online these days. Either way, I ran across the same story time and time again, and I was convinced. I wanted to do the best for my babies. What mom doesn't?
The idealism of pregnancy turned into the reality of motherhood, and I found myself simply existing for the first few months. I struggled mightily to make breastfeeding work, telling myself I'd pump until Emily and Erin were six weeks, then two months, then three months. In reality, I nursed one baby while Dan bottle-fed the other, and then pumped for 30-45 minutes. By the time I was done and all the parts were washed, the girls would be ready to eat again in 20 minutes. We supplemented with formula to make sure they got enough to eat, but I was determined that they would have my milk for as long as possible. Suddenly, magically (with the invaluable support of the lactation consultant and the help of clipped tongue ties) breastfeeding worked. I was immensely relieved. Nursing was much less of a burden than pumping, and gave me cuddle time with my babies that we all three desperately needed. I couldn't shake the guilt, though. No matter how much I tried to tell myself differently, I knew I just wasn't trying as hard as I could to get my supply up and breastfeed exclusively.
To add to my guilt, we pretty much did as we were told in every other aspect of parenting. It began before the girls were born, when I was induced at just over 38 weeks. I was determined to have the girls naturally, but after I asked for an epidural 5 hours into the induction, my labor stalled and I ended up having an urgent (not quite emergency) C-section because I was vomiting and Emily's head was jammed in my pelvis. It was a very scary experience, and I really don't remember much of the next two days. I'm not sure what I'd thought our hospital stay would be like, but I'm fairly sure I didn't imagine a blur of nausea, pain, and being bedridden, trying to figure out how to eat and walk - not to mention everything associated with caring for our beautiful new babies. I felt the first twinges of failure after less than a week as a mom. Dan did everything in the hospital - changed diapers, helped with their bath, washed their bottles and the SNS system, and brought them over for me to help soothe. Even in my drugged state, I knew I should have been doing more, but even standing up to get to the bathroom was a monumental undertaking.
There was no room in our tiny bedroom in our apartment for cribs, so the girls slept in their own room from the first night we were home from the hospital. ("Slept" was a relative term for the first couple of weeks, but that was where we put them to bed!) In the end, I think this was a good thing, and knowing that they had each other did really ease my mind about having them in their own room. I still felt as though I had to justify this every time the topic came up.
When it came time to consider introducing solid foods, I was intrigued by the idea of offering whole foods rather than purees, but mainly because I felt as though "a good mom" would do so. Our pediatrician expressed concern over this, and Emily and Erin showed little interest in actually eating the steamed squash we offered, so we offered rice cereal mixed with various pureed fruits and vegetables. This proved popular, so it's the method we've stuck with. Every time I opened a jar or pouch of baby food, though, I felt a surge of guilt over not making my own baby food. Just as with breastfeeding, I knew I just wasn't trying hard enough.
As the months went on, the guilt became overwhelming. Everywhere I went, some aspect of natural parenting would pop up to remind me what a failure I was. I began to doubt every detail of our days, from the brand of soap we used to whether or not we used cloth diapers. I even bought some cloth diapers to try, convinced that I could make them work for us. (I couldn't.) Switching brands of soap didn't seem to clear up the patch of eczema on Erin's ankle, and I worried that I'd damaged my beautiful girl for life. Each fun-filled bubble bath came with a side of angst over whether or not I used the bubbles too often. If Emily gnawed on her rubber duck, I fretted over whether or not it was safe to chew. I became paralyzed with guilt and fear. Everyone else was researching their options and making the best choice for their family's health and safety - I was taking the easy, lazy way out. I knew I was a terrible mother. It was just a matter of time before the world found me out.
I considered unsubscribing from websites that talked about natural living, and hiding the books I owned on the subject. Every phrase suggesting the better way to do things struck at my very core, reminding me of my imperfection and insufficiency as a mother. I was vocally supportive of natural parenting (how could all these people doing it right be wrong?) and I even wrote some blog posts about changes we were considering, but my "support" came mainly from guilt and fear. I wanted to do the best for my baby girls, but what often happened was nothing. Many days, I avoided giving them baby food in favor of milk and formula because I was sure we weren't doing it right. I read lists of things we should be avoiding and tried to imagine actually avoiding all those things. Meanwhile, life slipped by as I tried to protect my babies from its dangers.
This past weekend, things came to a head. After nearly a week of fractured sleep, with nights reminiscent of our first weeks home from the hospital, I was exhausted. The smallest things brought me to tears. After yet another tearful breakdown, I realized what was going on. The refrain that had been playing over and over in my head since mid-June - you aren't a good mom, you aren't doing this the right way, you aren't trying hard enough - had taken over. I actually believed it. In the world of sports, this is commonly known as "paralysis by analysis". You think so hard about how to do something that you can't do it at all. I was so overwhelmed by my perceived inadequacy, I was barely able to function. And I was miserable. I wasn't giving myself any credit for what I was doing, just focusing on what I wasn't doing.
It wasn't easy, but I took a deep breath and a few steps back, to the way things were when we came home from the hospital. I cared for the girls as we'd been shown and as I knew how, and did my best to banish the guilt. I took pride in changing their diapers, soothing their tears, and filling their bellies. We played and laughed together. I allowed myself to feel a sense of accomplishment in simply meeting their needs. Most of all, I enjoyed them, and I enjoyed being a mom.
It helped that I read a post on Friday morning (originally posted on my birthday - coincidence? I think not!) that talked about how as moms, we need to give ourselves credit for what we are doing right. Every thing you do right is a drop in your Bucket of Awesome, according to the author. You don't take drops out for doing things wrong - you just fill it up as you go along. I'd had the picture all wrong - in my mind, there were holes punched in the bottom every time I could have done something differently, more naturally, better. The way I saw it, my bucket had been dry for so long, the Sahara Desert looked damp in comparison. I started filling it up on Sunday, and every time I started to berate myself for something I'd done, I tried to see the positive. It's only been two days, and already I can see the difference. I feel more relaxed and less frantic. I feel the freedom to act on my knowledge and instinct, instead of painstakingly researching the best course of action so I can do it perfectly. I've loved being a mom for the past 16 months, ever since I saw the + on the pregnancy test, but I've never loved it as much as I do today. Things are far from perfect, and it will probably take a while before I feel like my old self again, but this is an important step in conquering the fear.
I want to note that I'm not sharing this story to try and discredit or shame those who have shared their natural living journey, nor those who blog about parenting choices. I'm sharing this in hopes of helping someone like me, paralyzed with fear of doing it all wrong, berating themselves for being an inadequate mom. I want you to know that you're not alone. Being a good mom simply means loving your children and caring for them. If you're doing that, you're doing it right.
I'm not sure if I unknowingly sought out reading material in this vein while I was pregnant, or if this is just the prevailing theme online these days. Either way, I ran across the same story time and time again, and I was convinced. I wanted to do the best for my babies. What mom doesn't?
The idealism of pregnancy turned into the reality of motherhood, and I found myself simply existing for the first few months. I struggled mightily to make breastfeeding work, telling myself I'd pump until Emily and Erin were six weeks, then two months, then three months. In reality, I nursed one baby while Dan bottle-fed the other, and then pumped for 30-45 minutes. By the time I was done and all the parts were washed, the girls would be ready to eat again in 20 minutes. We supplemented with formula to make sure they got enough to eat, but I was determined that they would have my milk for as long as possible. Suddenly, magically (with the invaluable support of the lactation consultant and the help of clipped tongue ties) breastfeeding worked. I was immensely relieved. Nursing was much less of a burden than pumping, and gave me cuddle time with my babies that we all three desperately needed. I couldn't shake the guilt, though. No matter how much I tried to tell myself differently, I knew I just wasn't trying as hard as I could to get my supply up and breastfeed exclusively.
To add to my guilt, we pretty much did as we were told in every other aspect of parenting. It began before the girls were born, when I was induced at just over 38 weeks. I was determined to have the girls naturally, but after I asked for an epidural 5 hours into the induction, my labor stalled and I ended up having an urgent (not quite emergency) C-section because I was vomiting and Emily's head was jammed in my pelvis. It was a very scary experience, and I really don't remember much of the next two days. I'm not sure what I'd thought our hospital stay would be like, but I'm fairly sure I didn't imagine a blur of nausea, pain, and being bedridden, trying to figure out how to eat and walk - not to mention everything associated with caring for our beautiful new babies. I felt the first twinges of failure after less than a week as a mom. Dan did everything in the hospital - changed diapers, helped with their bath, washed their bottles and the SNS system, and brought them over for me to help soothe. Even in my drugged state, I knew I should have been doing more, but even standing up to get to the bathroom was a monumental undertaking.
There was no room in our tiny bedroom in our apartment for cribs, so the girls slept in their own room from the first night we were home from the hospital. ("Slept" was a relative term for the first couple of weeks, but that was where we put them to bed!) In the end, I think this was a good thing, and knowing that they had each other did really ease my mind about having them in their own room. I still felt as though I had to justify this every time the topic came up.
When it came time to consider introducing solid foods, I was intrigued by the idea of offering whole foods rather than purees, but mainly because I felt as though "a good mom" would do so. Our pediatrician expressed concern over this, and Emily and Erin showed little interest in actually eating the steamed squash we offered, so we offered rice cereal mixed with various pureed fruits and vegetables. This proved popular, so it's the method we've stuck with. Every time I opened a jar or pouch of baby food, though, I felt a surge of guilt over not making my own baby food. Just as with breastfeeding, I knew I just wasn't trying hard enough.
As the months went on, the guilt became overwhelming. Everywhere I went, some aspect of natural parenting would pop up to remind me what a failure I was. I began to doubt every detail of our days, from the brand of soap we used to whether or not we used cloth diapers. I even bought some cloth diapers to try, convinced that I could make them work for us. (I couldn't.) Switching brands of soap didn't seem to clear up the patch of eczema on Erin's ankle, and I worried that I'd damaged my beautiful girl for life. Each fun-filled bubble bath came with a side of angst over whether or not I used the bubbles too often. If Emily gnawed on her rubber duck, I fretted over whether or not it was safe to chew. I became paralyzed with guilt and fear. Everyone else was researching their options and making the best choice for their family's health and safety - I was taking the easy, lazy way out. I knew I was a terrible mother. It was just a matter of time before the world found me out.
I considered unsubscribing from websites that talked about natural living, and hiding the books I owned on the subject. Every phrase suggesting the better way to do things struck at my very core, reminding me of my imperfection and insufficiency as a mother. I was vocally supportive of natural parenting (how could all these people doing it right be wrong?) and I even wrote some blog posts about changes we were considering, but my "support" came mainly from guilt and fear. I wanted to do the best for my baby girls, but what often happened was nothing. Many days, I avoided giving them baby food in favor of milk and formula because I was sure we weren't doing it right. I read lists of things we should be avoiding and tried to imagine actually avoiding all those things. Meanwhile, life slipped by as I tried to protect my babies from its dangers.
This past weekend, things came to a head. After nearly a week of fractured sleep, with nights reminiscent of our first weeks home from the hospital, I was exhausted. The smallest things brought me to tears. After yet another tearful breakdown, I realized what was going on. The refrain that had been playing over and over in my head since mid-June - you aren't a good mom, you aren't doing this the right way, you aren't trying hard enough - had taken over. I actually believed it. In the world of sports, this is commonly known as "paralysis by analysis". You think so hard about how to do something that you can't do it at all. I was so overwhelmed by my perceived inadequacy, I was barely able to function. And I was miserable. I wasn't giving myself any credit for what I was doing, just focusing on what I wasn't doing.
It wasn't easy, but I took a deep breath and a few steps back, to the way things were when we came home from the hospital. I cared for the girls as we'd been shown and as I knew how, and did my best to banish the guilt. I took pride in changing their diapers, soothing their tears, and filling their bellies. We played and laughed together. I allowed myself to feel a sense of accomplishment in simply meeting their needs. Most of all, I enjoyed them, and I enjoyed being a mom.
It helped that I read a post on Friday morning (originally posted on my birthday - coincidence? I think not!) that talked about how as moms, we need to give ourselves credit for what we are doing right. Every thing you do right is a drop in your Bucket of Awesome, according to the author. You don't take drops out for doing things wrong - you just fill it up as you go along. I'd had the picture all wrong - in my mind, there were holes punched in the bottom every time I could have done something differently, more naturally, better. The way I saw it, my bucket had been dry for so long, the Sahara Desert looked damp in comparison. I started filling it up on Sunday, and every time I started to berate myself for something I'd done, I tried to see the positive. It's only been two days, and already I can see the difference. I feel more relaxed and less frantic. I feel the freedom to act on my knowledge and instinct, instead of painstakingly researching the best course of action so I can do it perfectly. I've loved being a mom for the past 16 months, ever since I saw the + on the pregnancy test, but I've never loved it as much as I do today. Things are far from perfect, and it will probably take a while before I feel like my old self again, but this is an important step in conquering the fear.
I want to note that I'm not sharing this story to try and discredit or shame those who have shared their natural living journey, nor those who blog about parenting choices. I'm sharing this in hopes of helping someone like me, paralyzed with fear of doing it all wrong, berating themselves for being an inadequate mom. I want you to know that you're not alone. Being a good mom simply means loving your children and caring for them. If you're doing that, you're doing it right.
This is so awesome :) I have a feeling that a lot of moms go through this; I did, and I still do. But, you know what? I donated all of my cloth diapers to a mom who really needed them. I started using real cleaning products because they work better and I'm done faster. I use disposable mats and wipes to keep things clean at restaurants. We buy baby food in the package, because, let's be honest, it is way easier to buy it than make it, and she gets more variety than the one huge batch of peas that I made at a time. She's got all of her vaccinations, and I'm glad we did. I was hesitant on all of these things, but motherhood is hard, and these things make life easier. I buy organic milk though, so I guess I'm winning there ;)
ReplyDeleteMike and I were talking about it one day. You never hear of anyone living to be 101 and saying that they did all of these things. Instead, they say that they did all things in moderation, moved their bodies, laughed and loved.
We are resilient beings, and some Tylenol with added dyes isn't going to change that :)
Awesome post!
Thanks, Jenna! I identify with a lot of the things you said above. I finally decided I was intentionally making life more difficult for myself, and that no one was gaining anything from it, and we were actually all losing out because of the choices I was making. I agree that we are resilient beings!
DeleteSarah,
ReplyDeleteThere's a reason why I call myself a "whatever works" mom! You do what you can to keep your boat afloat. With my daughter, I felt so much guilt about doing things one way and not the other. By the time my son was born, I had a much clearer idea of what I wanted to change and what I was okay with keeping the same way. Then, of course, he had ideas of what worked for him and didn't. ;) In the end what we all want is a happy, healthy, God-loving family. We all take different paths to get there, and that's OK!
Anne, I thought of your blog title when I was writing this! Works is the key word. If what is being done is not working, then it's not the right choice :) Anything that induces as much guilt as I was feeling over the past few months is clearly the wrong choice!
DeleteI have a lot I could write here, but I'll try to keep it to one main point. The reason this line of thinking seems rampant is because there aren't many websites out there on how to use disposable diapers or how to open a jar of baby food, and there doesn't need to be. There aren't many websites out there condemning cloth diapers or homemade baby food because the only criticism they would have is it's too hard. The way we share information in the digital age lends itself toward teaching, explaining, and persuading, and there's just not much of it to be done on behalf of the norm - the easy way of life the 2nd half of the 20th century led us to believe was best. As an aside, I don't cloth diaper, and I do use jarred baby food. I'm just giving my perspective on why we seem bombarded by the more "natural" choices - depending on which definition of natural you want to use. I've learned that with the amount of information available to me through the internet, it becomes my responsibility to moderate it and cut it off when it begins to make me question myself in a self-damaging way. : )
ReplyDeleteMarie, I think you are absolutely right. I especially agree with moderating and cutting off when the questioning becomes damaging. What I found lacking as a new mom was acceptance of doing things the "normal" way. I can completely understand why there isn't any explanation - plenty of materials available on the subject already. It took a lot of struggling for me to finally come to terms with taking the "easy" way out based on what I saw/heard around me, so I decided to write something about it in case other moms felt the same way. Thanks for reading!
DeleteYou go girl! Honestly, I think it's what the own mother wants to do. You're not a failure. You're doing what works for you and your family, and you're doing a good job.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Sometimes the magnitude of the choice is the most terrifying thing, honestly :)
Delete[I hope this comment comes across as positively as I'm intending. If not, feel free to respond/delete. I only want to be encouraging.]
ReplyDeleteI know you already know me, and I'm saying this from the perspective of a mother who does most of those things you state in the first paragraph. Like Marie said above, I think the reason there is an onslaught of natural parenting stuff online right now is because it's very alternative from the way most of our parents raised us, from most parents right now, and from most medical professionals. No matter how we raise our kids, all of us moms crave support and "sisterhood" from fellow mamas, so we blog use social media to find other like minded mamas. I agree that the tone often comes across as "I was so wrong but now I'm right and can't believe I was so naive" because we want to be the best moms, so we get kind of defensive when writing. It doesn't really matter how you parent when it comes to feeling guilty, because there will always be people on the other side of the issue who tell you you're doing it wrong. Just like you have, very sadly, felt guilt or possibly have gotten an earful about putting your girls in cribs, I've have many many people berate me for bedsharing. The same goes with introducing solids, bottles, wearing my baby too much / too little (Yes, I've had people say BOTH of those things), etc.
So many of these decisions are really morally neutral decisions, too, which is easy to forget. Is it really a huge deal if you use disposable diapers? You're not letting your children sit in their own waste either way, so you're doing your job as a mama. As for baby led solids vs purees: did you wait for them to be ready to eat solids? Are you feeding them reasonably nutritious foods? Those are the more important questions, not the form in which you feed them to your babies. You're right that it's just important to remind yourself what your family's priorities are, and to remind yourself of all the great things you are doing for your babies.
I never knew what it would feel like to have another human being's life as my responsibility until I became a mom. I think all the time of the stupid things I thought before then about motherhood, and how much harder it really is. There are important decisions, there are morally good decisions, and there are those day to day decisions whose answers vary from family to family. Only you are living your life, in your home, with your husband and children. The information from family, friends, and other resources are there to help you out *if you want it*. That's the important point. If it's stressing you out, making you feel guilty or inadequate, or just doesn't feel right, just tell yourself to ignore it. Your own instinct is the best parenting tool you have. It's what led me to the choices we make as a family, and you should never feel guilty about following your instincts to make your own parenting decisions.
<3 Another craaazy Mama
Thank you, Kendra!
DeleteI hadn't thought much about how morally neutral a lot of parenting decisions really can be, because the majority of what I read while I was pregnant presented various choices as being absolutes (ie, very right vs. very wrong). For me, realizing that simply caring for my kiddos was my job as a mom, not spending endless hours worrying about whether I was doing it the "right" way, made a big difference. I wish mommies everywhere could agree that if we're taking care of our children, we don't need to argue about how we do it! Please know that I respect the more natural choices with all my heart - I just can't for the life of me figure out how to make them work for us, and I think my girls deserve a mama who isn't sobbing over trying to make them work :)
PS - I don't think you're crazy!! :)
I will try again! I often feel as you do, and there comes a time when informing yourself and researching your options begins to dig at you in a negative way. I have been through it twice and am getting ready to do it again. I change it up and things work differently for your own unique situation each time. Things that worked for me (like pumping for instance) did not work the same way for me with my second. I never would have been able to cloth diaper with my son the first 6 months as I had him with me at work, but I was at home when I did so with my daughter. You are absolutely right to give yourself a break! Being informed is great, now you find a balance that works for you and your family. We all are just trying to raise our babies, so full support, mom!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jess! Thinking about all the options when it comes to parenting really gives me a lot of sympathy for how my husband feels when I send him to the grocery store for something! Picking the exact right thing every time is stressful - and the situation changes so often, what's right one week can be very wrong the next week. Being informed is both a blessing and a curse, I think. Blessings to you as you work to find this balance for a third time!
DeleteWonderful Sarah! As a non-co-sleeping, breast/formula-feeding, jarred baby food, disposable-diaper, non-baby-wearing mom, I was ridden with guilt all.the.time. I'm sure that mommy-guilt pervades even the most natural of moms, because really, when CAN'T we be doing more? Being better? etc. Remind yourself that you are THEIR mom, and you know what works for them and what works for you. You can't be a loving wonderful devoted mom if you are spending all your time trying to be "perfect" for them, because you already ARE perfect for them :) I know it's probably a long way off as well, but the mommy-guilt starts to fade considerably once the next ones come around, partially out of necessity, and partially because you can first-hand see that the choices you made resulted in wonderful healthy children!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree! Trying so hard to be the "perfect" mom doesn't really leave any time left over to be "mom". And it's hard to conceptualize, but the truly unhealthy choices are not the ones we're talking about here. Well-cared-for children can eat all different types of food, sleep in all types of places, and wear all types of diapers! Thank you for the encouragement from a bit further down the mommy road :)
Delete