Thoroughly Thankful Thursday

This week, I'm thankful for many things. First and foremost, I'm thankful for the wakeup call that gave me a new outlook on life, and helped me to find a new joy in being a wife and mama. I'm thankful for jobs that allow us to go a little beyond just paying the bills and save up for a house of our own. I'm thankful for my family and our cozy life together. I'm thankful for my blog and all you lovely readers. I'm thankful for God and my faith. I'm thankful for my friends and family who help me keep my perspective. I'm thankful for a work schedule that allows me to raise my baby girls, and for the time that Emily and Erin get to spend with their grandmas and their daddy while I'm working. I'm thankful for finally getting to sleep this past week when Emily and Erin started sleeping more at night.

I'm thankful to get to be their mama :)

I can't wait to read what you're thankful for! Link up your post below or share in the comments!

I'm back!

Yep, I'm back! I took a break, a bit abruptly, after a particularly rough week. Everything's okay here - just a lot to get done. In the spirit of my last post, I've been trying to focus on my primary job - being a mama and a wife. I don't need to fit into any particular mold to do that. I've been enjoying a little bit of extra time with my family (I'll take as much of that as I can!), but I'm ready to be back sharing about our life as a family. I can't promise I won't need a little break again, but next time I'll try to announce it instead of just disappearing!

One of the best parts of focusing on being a mom has been developing a routine without questioning myself constantly. If something works the way I want it to, that's how it gets done. For us, this means cloth diapers don't work, and cleaning is much easier with traditional cleaning products. If I have to eat fast food once or twice a week because of my work schedule, that's okay. In the end, I've been much happier, and our house is much cleaner! The key to this is not the particular choices that we've made - it's not questioning myself. Living in a constant state of doubt is somewhat of a given for a new mama, so if there's anything that can be a sure thing, it makes sense to make it so.

Now that I have a little bit more sanity on my side, I'm excited to start decorating Emily and Erin's room! When the girls were born, we lived in an apartment. We knew we'd be moving soon, so we didn't do too much to decorate, but I did paint wooden letters in green and pink to spell each girl's name and we hung them on the wall. I've gotten some ideas in the meantime to make their room a little more girly, like making a bow hanger for their wall and adding some hooks for hanging up their little hoodies. We went shopping with Dan's mom yesterday, and found some very cute pink toy baskets and a pink closet organizer. I've also seen cute wall stick-ons that we could use to brighten up their walls. I want to get on Pinterest for ideas, but I'm a little nervous! Have any of you decorated a little girl's room recently? What was your favorite aspect of the decor?

Emily and Erin just turned 7 months last week. I looked back at some pictures from their first weeks of life, and I really have a hard time believing how far we've come. Both girls are very vocal and very mobile, especially on our hardwood floors. We have some toys that play music and make sounds at the push of the button, and those are the favorites right now. We also have an assortment of small rubber duckies, since their bathroom in the apartment was decorated in rubber duckies. One duck in particular has a sailor hat and necktie, and he is the toy worth fighting over. Other duckies are sometimes coveted, but this one always gets both girls' attention immediately. Their first crush - Sailor Duck. Awwwwww...

For some reason, they are both fascinated with our dustpan. In the apartment, I got the brilliant idea to 1) buy a red polka-dot dustpan and 2) hang it on the side of our garbage can with one of those stick-on hooks. I can't count the number of times I've had to redirect their attention from the dustpan in the past week alone. I don't quite know what it is or what they think they would do with it, but they sure love it. They also love our shoes, so we've had to get a lot better about keeping shoes out of their reach.

Erin loves books, which really means that she loves to chew books. She takes all of the books we have stacked up and pulls them out and samples the corners. Emily loves the bouncy chair and the swing, meaning she loves to nibble on the edge of them. It seems a little strange, but I guess there's really no harm in it. The world from a baby's perspective certainly is fascinating!

As far as size goes, both girls are in 9 month clothes, though that's mostly for length. They still fit into some of their 6 month pants, and when it comes to pajamas, they are almost in 12 month sizes. I don't know how much they weigh, but they are so tall that we've been looking at bigger carseats, so around 28-29 inches. Weight-wise, I'd guess Erin is around 17-18 pounds and Emily is around 16-17 pounds. When we were at the store yesterday, I saw some little preemie clothes, and I had such a hard time believing that we were scrambling to find those for our girls when they were born! Of course, they quickly outgrew them, but still. They grow up so fast. *Sniff*.

I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday!

A new state of mind

These days, it's easy to find testimony about going against the flow when it comes to parenting. All around the internet, moms are only too happy to share their stories of doing things the natural way. They breastfeed exclusively, skip pureed baby food in favor of soft whole foods, wear their babes instead of using the carseat as a carrier, cloth diaper, skip vaccinations, and only use the most natural baby toiletries. Their tales differ in detail, but share the same overlying theme: we did our research, found out "they" were wrong, started doing things the right way, and our life is so much better now. The disdain for those who simply do as they're told is obvious. Especially, of course, because once you know, you have to change your ways.

I'm not sure if I unknowingly sought out reading material in this vein while I was pregnant, or if this is just the prevailing theme online these days. Either way, I ran across the same story time and time again, and I was convinced. I wanted to do the best for my babies. What mom doesn't?

The idealism of pregnancy turned into the reality of motherhood, and I found myself simply existing for the first few months. I struggled mightily to make breastfeeding work, telling myself I'd pump until Emily and Erin were six weeks, then two months, then three months. In reality, I nursed one baby while Dan bottle-fed the other, and then pumped for 30-45 minutes. By the time I was done and all the parts were washed, the girls would be ready to eat again in 20 minutes. We supplemented with formula to make sure they got enough to eat, but I was determined that they would have my milk for as long as possible. Suddenly, magically (with the invaluable support of the lactation consultant and the help of clipped tongue ties) breastfeeding worked. I was immensely relieved. Nursing was much less of a burden than pumping, and gave me cuddle time with my babies that we all three desperately needed. I couldn't shake the guilt, though. No matter how much I tried to tell myself differently, I knew I just wasn't trying as hard as I could to get my supply up and breastfeed exclusively.

To add to my guilt, we pretty much did as we were told in every other aspect of parenting. It began before the girls were born, when I was induced at just over 38 weeks. I was determined to have the girls naturally, but after I asked for an epidural 5 hours into the induction, my labor stalled and I ended up having an urgent (not quite emergency) C-section because I was vomiting and Emily's head was jammed in my pelvis. It was a very scary experience, and I really don't remember much of the next two days. I'm not sure what I'd thought our hospital stay would be like, but I'm fairly sure I didn't imagine a blur of nausea, pain, and being bedridden, trying to figure out how to eat and walk - not to mention everything associated with caring for our beautiful new babies. I felt the first twinges of failure after less than a week as a mom. Dan did everything in the hospital - changed diapers, helped with their bath, washed their bottles and the SNS system, and brought them over for me to help soothe. Even in my drugged state, I knew I should have been doing more, but even standing up to get to the bathroom was a monumental undertaking.

There was no room in our tiny bedroom in our apartment for cribs, so the girls slept in their own room from the first night we were home from the hospital. ("Slept" was a relative term for the first couple of weeks, but that was where we put them to bed!) In the end, I think this was a good thing, and knowing that they had each other did really ease my mind about having them in their own room. I still felt as though I had to justify this every time the topic came up.

When it came time to consider introducing solid foods, I was intrigued by the idea of offering whole foods rather than purees, but mainly because I felt as though "a good mom" would do so. Our pediatrician expressed concern over this, and Emily and Erin showed little interest in actually eating the steamed squash we offered, so we offered rice cereal mixed with various pureed fruits and vegetables. This proved popular, so it's the method we've stuck with. Every time I opened a jar or pouch of baby food, though, I felt a surge of guilt over not making my own baby food. Just as with breastfeeding, I knew I just wasn't trying hard enough.

As the months went on, the guilt became overwhelming. Everywhere I went, some aspect of natural parenting would pop up to remind me what a failure I was. I began to doubt every detail of our days, from the brand of soap we used to whether or not we used cloth diapers. I even bought some cloth diapers to try, convinced that I could make them work for us. (I couldn't.) Switching brands of soap didn't seem to clear up the patch of eczema on Erin's ankle, and I worried that I'd damaged my beautiful girl for life. Each fun-filled bubble bath came with a side of angst over whether or not I used the bubbles too often. If Emily gnawed on her rubber duck, I fretted over whether or not it was safe to chew. I became paralyzed with guilt and fear. Everyone else was researching their options and making the best choice for their family's health and safety - I was taking the easy, lazy way out. I knew I was a terrible mother. It was just a matter of time before the world found me out.

I considered unsubscribing from websites that talked about natural living, and hiding the books I owned on the subject. Every phrase suggesting the better way to do things struck at my very core, reminding me of my imperfection and insufficiency as a mother. I was vocally supportive of natural parenting (how could all these people doing it right be wrong?) and I even wrote some blog posts about changes we were considering, but my "support" came mainly from guilt and fear. I wanted to do the best for my baby girls, but what often happened was nothing. Many days, I avoided giving them baby food in favor of milk and formula because I was sure we weren't doing it right. I read lists of things we should be avoiding and tried to imagine actually avoiding all those things. Meanwhile, life slipped by as I tried to protect my babies from its dangers.

This past weekend, things came to a head. After nearly a week of fractured sleep, with nights reminiscent of our first weeks home from the hospital, I was exhausted. The smallest things brought me to tears. After yet another tearful breakdown, I realized what was going on. The refrain that had been playing over and over in my head since mid-June - you aren't a good mom, you aren't doing this the right way, you aren't trying hard enough - had taken over. I actually believed it. In the world of sports, this is commonly known as "paralysis by analysis". You think so hard about how to do something that you can't do it at all. I was so overwhelmed by my perceived inadequacy, I was barely able to function. And I was miserable. I wasn't giving myself any credit for what I was doing, just focusing on what I wasn't doing.

It wasn't easy, but I took a deep breath and a few steps back, to the way things were when we came home from the hospital. I cared for the girls as we'd been shown and as I knew how, and did my best to banish the guilt. I took pride in changing their diapers, soothing their tears, and filling their bellies. We played and laughed together. I allowed myself to feel a sense of accomplishment in simply meeting their needs. Most of all, I enjoyed them, and I enjoyed being a mom.

It helped that I read a post on Friday morning (originally posted on my birthday - coincidence? I think not!) that talked about how as moms, we need to give ourselves credit for what we are doing right. Every thing you do right is a drop in your Bucket of Awesome, according to the author. You don't take drops out for doing things wrong - you just fill it up as you go along. I'd had the picture all wrong - in my mind, there were holes punched in the bottom every time I could have done something differently, more naturally, better.  The way I saw it, my bucket had been dry for so long, the Sahara Desert looked damp in comparison. I started filling it up on Sunday, and every time I started to berate myself for something I'd done, I tried to see the positive. It's only been two days, and already I can see the difference. I feel more relaxed and less frantic. I feel the freedom to act on my knowledge and instinct, instead of painstakingly researching the best course of action so I can do it perfectly. I've loved being a mom for the past 16 months, ever since I saw the + on the pregnancy test, but I've never loved it as much as I do today. Things are far from perfect, and it will probably take a while before I feel like my old self again, but this is an important step in conquering the fear.

I want to note that I'm not sharing this story to try and discredit or shame those who have shared their natural living journey, nor those who blog about parenting choices. I'm sharing this in hopes of helping someone like me, paralyzed with fear of doing it all wrong, berating themselves for being an inadequate mom. I want you to know that you're not alone. Being a good mom simply means loving your children and caring for them. If you're doing that, you're doing it right.

What I Wore Sunday: Enter the Ponytail!

My hair must have been listening when I posted about wanting to be able to tie it up earlier this week! It's suddenly long enough for a ponytail - that is to say, the vast majority is long enough. I can corral the rest with bobby pins and a little hairspray, so it works for me. The best part is that I can put it up damp, so I only have to blowdry my bangs! Five minutes down to about thirty seconds. Coincidence that we were five minutes earlier to church this morning? Maybe not!

Outfit details:

Sweater: Ann Taylor LOFT (hand-me-down from my friend)

Tank: Motherhood 

Jeans: Hudson (thrifted)

Ballet flats: Mossimo (Target)

Cross pendant necklace: gift (Target, I believe)

Earrings: gift from my husband :)

I'm not exactly close to breaking out of my jean rut, but it is still freezing here (literally - it hasn't gotten above 37 degrees in about 10 days!) and I like being able to walk from the car to church without turning into an ice cube. I also like being able to pace outside to calm a fussy little one if necessary without becoming a popsicle. I don't have any more cute metaphors about being underdressed in freezing weather, so I'll stop there. I am wearing dressy shoes, though! 

Mass went pretty well today - we made it all the way through with just a little fussing. Erin fell asleep on my shoulder, so I just held her. She's getting so big that I can't stand up without waking her. My beautiful baby girls turned 7 months old yesterday, and they are growing up fast! I need to get some 9 (and 12!) month clothes for them, but I discovered that Walmart has some nice, inexpensive baby clothes (I'd gotten some there before they were born - I just forgot that's where they were from!) and we'll make a special trip out there to pick out some cute outfits this week. Stay tuned for a post on what our 7 month old girls are up to, coming later this week! Here's some pictures to hold you over:

A better picture of the ponytail, deterring my darling daughter Erin's fingers.

Miss Emily, hanging out with her favorite musical toy. Check out those two TEETH!

Miss Erin, playing happily with Daddy yesterday. Her hair is getting so long!

I'm linking up with Fine Linen and Purple for What I Wore Sunday! Head on over, check out Kendra and Emily's posts, and then visit some of the other blogs to see what everyone else wore! Happy Sunday!

7 Quick Takes, Vol. 30: Days of the week

For something fun and a little different, I thought I'd write about the days of the week. Seven days, seven quick takes. Coincidence? I think not. Here we go!

--- 1 ---

Sunday. Sunday is my favorite day of the week. I have the day off after working for the last three days, and I get up early with the girls and let Dan sleep in. We snuggle up on the couch, watch Food Network (they do Saturday reruns early on Sunday morning), drink lots of coffee (Mommy and Daddy) and milk (babies) and then get ready for church. It always takes at least half an hour longer than it seems like it should. One of these days we'll get it figured out. For now, we're content with just making it there by 11 every week. Once we're there, I try to put aside the rush of the morning and focus. After church, we usually go get lunch, just for something fun to do as a family, and then Emily and Erin and I go do something outside the house to give Dan some time to hang out by himself. With all of us being home almost all the time, an hour or two of relaxing is hard to come by! When we get home, I usually catch up on some chores while Dan plays with the girls. Then I fix dinner and we all eat. After dinner, it's bathtime, bedtime, and then a few more chores before we sit down to watch TV. Food Network usually has a serial-type show on at 9 (Next Iron Chef or something like that) and we have fun watching and seeing who wins.

--- 2 ---

Monday. Dan works Monday through Friday, so we're all up earlier. Dan tends to be up between 6 and 7, while I have a harder time getting up. Emily and Erin are pretty good sleepers, but it's a rare night that one of them isn't up at some point to eat. As a result, it's been a long time since I've slept through the night with any consistency. Dan is really good about getting up and helping if needed, but I try to let him sleep if possible, other than the occasional diaper change. Once we do get up, the girls and I eat, play, and do chores. I'm sure you can guess who does which. I don't really have a good routine for household chores, because the amount to do varies a lot from week to week, but I try to do something towards every room every day. I have a long way to go, I'll just admit that up front! We usually try to get out of the house every day, even if it means we load up in the car and go walk around Target for a little while. This makes it a little less noisy for Dan while he's trying to work, and gets rid of any excuses I have for not being at least a little active every day. As soon as Dan gets done with work, he plays with Emily and Erin and helps feed them while I get dinner ready. Then it's bathtime, bedtime, time for more chores, and another day is over. I try to get something up on the blog before I'm too tired, but the best opportunity is usually earlier in the day while Emily and Erin are playing together. If I don't get anything done on Mondays, that's fine too. I try to savor every moment that the three of us get to spend together while I'm home.

--- 3 ---

Tuesday. Tuesdays are really pretty similar to Mondays, except we always try to get our grocery shopping done on Tuesdays. I work Thursday-Saturday, so if things don't go as planned on Tuesday, there's always Wednesday to catch up. Sometimes we go grocery shopping on Mondays, but not often. I really need to get better about making lists, because it always seems like I forget something essential. I'm sure you can relate! Between checking out the coupons, getting everyone ready, the actual time in the store, and putting the food away, that's pretty much the bulk of Tuesday. I try to get a little bit of blogging done either before or after the store, but it doesn't always happen.

--- 4 ---

Wednesday. Wednesday is my last opportunity to get everything caught up before my workweek starts. I typically spend all day trying to do chores, in between feedings and playing with Emily and Erin. Usually it's laundry, which always has a way of piling up. I try to use cloth diapers as much as I can while I'm home, and by Wednesday, they all need washing. A load of diapers and inserts takes about 2 hours to wash, with a presoak in borax, and then about half an hour to dry. The covers take about an hour to wash and dry, assuming I transfer them quickly. If they've been sitting for a few days, I wash them twice after the presoak cycle. Then I start the workweek with a clean (nonsmelly!) diaper pail and plenty of clean cloth diapers! Dan has volleyball on Wednesday evenings. Sometimes the girls and I go to watch, but most of the games are late enough that we stay home and get ready for bed. This gives me some time to wrap everything up in time for my "Monday".

--- 5 ---

Thursday. Thursday is a work day. That means that after a few hours of our normal routine, I try to get the girls down for a nap so I can get ready. Dan and I have to coordinate this so I'm not disturbing his work time but still get everything together before I need to leave. My mom comes over on Thursdays to watch Emily and Erin until Dan is done working, so I usually ask her to come over about half an hour before I have to leave. This is a great arrangement - I'm so grateful that she is willing to do this! Sometimes I start work late enough in the afternoon to get chores done before work, sometimes I don't. I always try to get some blogging done on Thursdays, and this usually happens after work. Some nights, I'll stop at Starbucks on the way home to get it done in peace and quiet. This gives Dan and I both a much-needed break. I make it home in time for some downtime before bed.

--- 6 ---

Friday. Friday may not be my actual Friday, but knowing it's the end of Dan's workweek makes it feel like the weekend for me too. I love getting to spend time with Emily and Erin before starting work, and then knowing that when I come home the weekend has begun. Even though I start work fairly early on Saturday, Dan and I get to spend a little time together after work before I have to go to bed. Emily and Erin get to go to Grandma's in the afternoon while I work, and they love to get to see Grandma, Grandpa, and their aunt and uncle while they're there. I don't like being away from them, but knowing that they're having fun and spending time with family makes it easier.

--- 7 ---

Saturday. Emily and Erin get to spend all day Saturday with their daddy while I work. I love that they get to have this time every week, even though I wish I could be there too. When I get home, we all have dinner together and get to have some fun time before the girls have to go to bed. A lot of weeks, I'm so tired that I end up falling asleep pretty early - but that's okay, because Sunday is right around the corner!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Thoroughly Thankful Thursday: Modern Medicine

It's the middle of flu season, and by all accounts, this is a bad one. The CDC recently declared a pandemic based on the number of deaths from the flu so far this winter. All around, people are coughing, sniffling, and aching. Our family has been sick twice already, with another round coming on as I write this - I had a sore throat yesterday, Erin was sneezing yesterday afternoon, and this morning Emily was running a fever after a very restless night. I've been drinking orange juice and taking my vitamins, in hopes that I can stay well myself and pass some immunity on to my babies in my milk.

It's scary to think about what illness was like in years past, when routine infections could quickly turn deadly. Before antibiotics were discovered, a secondary bacterial infection could emerge with little hope of a cure. Today, we not only have antibiotics to cure these, we have vaccines for most of the major childhood illnesses of the past. It's important to use antibiotics wisely - new resistant strains of bacteria have emerged because of overuse - but the ability to combat strep throat, bacterial pneumonia, and bacterial meningitis with antibiotics is a true blessing. While I occasionally find myself thinking how wonderful it would have been to live in another era, I don't have to think too hard about illness in days gone by to realize that I'm pretty happy here.

Today, I'm thankful for modern medicine. There's a lot that doctors and scientists haven't figured out yet, but all that has been figured out is nothing short of miraculous. We know about foods and vitamins that will keep us healthy, and treatments for illnesses that can't be avoided. We have vaccines to keep us from getting dangerous illnesses, and hospital treatment for the seriously ill. We can save women in danger during childbirth (I was born via emergency C-section, and my C-section with Emily and Erin saved all three of us) and offer medicine to ease the associated discomforts. I can only imagine how miserable my labor, C-section, and hospital stay afterwards would have been without Zofran, the epidural, and pain medicine. When nursing wasn't sufficient for Emily and Erin's newborn appetites, the hospital had some donor milk available, and we have been able to supplement with formula and know that it's safe and nutritious. Not every aspect of modern medicine is perfect, but we are blessed to live in an era where many lives are saved thanks to the advances of science.

It's Thoroughly Thankful Thursday again!  What are you thankful for? Share in the comments or link up your post below!

Avoiding mom hair (and some fake updos for short hair!)

I really, really love my A-line bob. In fact, this post was almost called "Why I love short hair." But I have to be honest: I'm growing my short hair out. This started in part because making time to go get a haircut is a little more difficult these days, and was perpetuated by the fact that Emily loves to grab my hair when I'm holding her. She doesn't have a whole lot of her own yet: 

My adorable, fuzzy-haired daughter

I keep telling her she can't grab mine and borrow it for her own use. It doesn't seem to make any impression - or maybe she just likes to pull hair, since she pulls Erin's too? At any rate, I decided it was time for a change. The problem is, growing out your hair is kind of a slow change. When I decide I want to change something, I have a hard time curbing my tendency to act immediately. The only immediate action you can take to have longer hair is not getting a haircut. 

So I haven't done that. I've been good to my growing out hair - using conditioner, trying to remember to apply the protective spray before blow drying and flat ironing (on the days I have time for that) and I've eagerly awaited the day when I'll be able to tie my hair out of the way. This is coming more slowly than I anticipated, mostly because my haircut was so much shorter in the back than in the front. My hair is almost two inches past my chin in the front, but just an inch (maybe less) below my hairline on the back of my neck. I can only make a ponytail with the help of hairspray and bobby pins, and even then only about half of my hair takes part (pun unintentional, but still funny).

Last night, I got frustrated. No, I didn't take scissors to my hair. I can hear the collective sigh from all you readers who were waiting to see my butchered DIY haircut. I did get on Pinterest, though, looking for a picture to take in to the hairstylist once my hair has gotten a bit past tieback length. I searched "shoulder length hair easy" and ran across quite a few hairstyles worth pinning, from an elegant shoulder-skimming bob to over-the-shoulder side-parted waves.  To my surprise, I also found an updo. The description said it was for chin-length to shoulder-length hair, and so I decided to give it a try. The picture showed finger-width strands of hair, pin curled randomly on the back of the head. Simple, pretty, and "finished" - a hard trio to pull off with in-between length hair!

I don't have a great picture of how it turned out, because it was late and I was being my own photographer, but: 

A fun, playful "updo" for short hair! Oh, yes, and a lovely towel. Ignore the towel :)

For only having short hair to work with, it was pretty exciting! I took it down and decided to try something else - if I could hold all my hair back with bobby pins, maybe I could make it look more polished. I brushed my hair down towards the back, as if I was going to put it in a low bun. Then I took bobby pins and pinned it down, starting at the sides and then securing the top pieces. Picture the pins in an arch shape going up and over your neck, holding your hair in place. The end result looks something like this: 

The top bobby pin is holding my bangs back -  the arch of pins starts behind my ears.

Voila! From the front, you can't tell that there's really no hair of substantial length in the back. You can wear statement earrings, get dressed up for a party, or just keep your hair out of the way in a slightly more sophisticated way. Best of all, you can do this with damp hair in the morning when you're in a rush, add those pretty earrings, and you look polished! I love it. Hmm. Now I'm not so sure about growing my hair out.  Kidding, kidding.

I polled some of my mom friends on Twitter the other day, and they all agreed that having hair at least long enough for a ponytail makes life much easier. I am hesitant at times, because when I had longer hair it seemed like I always ended up wearing it in a messy bun or ponytail, but I think that as long as I keep it around shoulder length and make sure I have layers to make it easy to style I can avoid that trap. I'd like to avoid the stereotypical "mom" haircut too, although part of me thinks that maybe young mamas should just come up with a more stylish "mom" haircut!

What kind of hairstyles do you associate with moms? Any tips for growing out your hair?